I hate to have to say this, but in general guys are f***ing gross! I don’t hate that I am a guy, but for the most part the axiom in the title is true and I am embarrassed by it. Oh, not only gross, but stupid! There are so many directions I could go with this topic, and I will attempt to stay on point. Let me cite a few examples.
Let’s start with an easy one regarding the grossness of guys. The toilet seat. Why, why, why is it so hard to put down the toilet seat and leave it in a clean and dry state? Why? Look, I am not a wimp, wuss, or girlie man. Yes, I cry, but we already established in an earlier post (Is It Manly to Cry?) that I am really not a wimpy guy, and I am not a –whipped guy. I hate it myself when the toilet seat is up! It makes zero sense to leave it up! Let’s do the math. Let’s say half of the population always sits down. OK? The other half (without going into specifics) sits down let’s say 30% of the time. That means the probability of the average user, regardless of gender, needing to sit down is about 65%. And everyone has sat on a seat that wasn’t there in the darkness of the middle of the night and fallen in, guys and girls alike. But guys… that doesn’t mean leave it down and shoot for accuracy either. Good grief! I have to mention this too – it doesn’t really matter social or economic status. Guy-grossness spans all socioeconomic strata. I have been to 5 star hotels where a lobby restroom stall has been left in an absolute bio-hazardous state. There is a reason they have full time attendants in there, but even then it can and does happen. I won’t even go there regarding gas stations that have an outside entrance…
Next, flatulence has never been, is not now, and never will be an aphrodisiac. So just stop! It’s not endearing. It’s disgusting. Don’t you remember your willingness to endure every kind of lower GI pain imaginable when dating? You felt it was important during those early times to refrain in order to attract a mate, but then what? Rings are not fart tokens, yet somehow men assume they are. What a stupid notion. If there is any truth to the phrase “familiarity breeds contempt,” then we should never become too familiar with certain private matters. If she thought you were Mr. Perfect before you unveiled all of your bodily function mysteries, and things were at their most awesome, then why would you ever even consider crossing that line? Hmmm? You want to know a great way to turn a woman on? Don’t turn her off!
Onto the clueless and misguided come-ons. Cat calling? Whistling? Staring at, waving at, smiling at, or otherwise trying to get a woman’s attention in a vehicle? And, oh my GOD! revving your crotch-rocket motorcycle, or your twin straight pipes 4×4 pickup? Seriously? Why on earth would any of those ever be considered attractive? Ever? Who was the first guy that modelled this behavior? How did we men as a whole not yet evolve from primitive chest beating? Sadly most males are mentored by men that were mentored by men that thought this was how you do it. On this point though, I wonder if women are just a little culpable? It seems as though women truly possess the power to stop this nonsense. If all women enacted a zero tolerance policy in solidarity, one of 2 things would happen inside of one generation. Either A, the population of the planet would drop dramatically, or B, men would get their act together and ascend to a level of classiness befitting a leading man from classic films or epic literature.
Now for bad bar/nightclub behavior. The other night I was with my friend, who happens to be a woman, and we were at a nightclub watching a friend of ours play in a classic rock band. In walks her ex-boyfriend of 10 or so years ago. The boyfriend that never got over her. He took a seat next to her, and started at obnoxious, and slowly worked his way up to, with the help of multiple beverages, complete asshole. He continued to move his chair closer to her, and she seemed annoyed, but being classy herself, she wasn’t going to publicly embarrass him (dammit). This guy was on a date! She wasn’t, but he was. I was uncomfortable for her, and frankly, I was uncomfortable for everyone at the table. In what universe did this guy think that his stupid, loud, erratic behavior was going to make her rethink her decision for leaving him? Guys generally have a bad read on women. They take silence as an invitation to proceed. I think it is obvious why it is called “women’s intuition.” Men don’t have any. Guys, just because a woman is at a bar or nightclub does not mean that she is there for you!
Last one for now. Pickup lines. Okay, so in the history of the world, has there ever been a woman with an IQ north of plant life that has actually fallen for a pickup line? And guys, if she does, are you sure you want to go home with that? Here is one that was used on my woman friend not too terribly long ago. “Hey baby, you’re my next ex-wife!” As if this was going to make her want to instantly shed her clothes and make babies with this Neanderthal. I think someone should make a Cyrano De Bergerac app that men could use when speaking to women they would like to meet. Just a little Bluetooth headset and the guy could choose from some basic topics, and the app would speak a poetic, romantic or thoughtful phrase into his ear, and he could repeat it to the woman in question. My guess is, the app would give men a much higher success rate with women than anything emanating from within their own pea-brain. Also, maybe the app should be written by women?
In closing, I am speaking in the general and not the specific. There are men, a few, that aren’t gross or stupid. Interestingly, a lot of them are very sensitive guys and have many feminine qualities, and as such all too often end up in the “friend-zone.” If men could learn to adopt certain female sensibilities, while still retaining their innate masculinity, then it seems like we might be able to fix this. In the meantime, I wonder if women will eventually stop compromising and settling for gross and stupid?